Let me share something with you that might be pretty obvious; being a father isn’t easy. Let me preface with being a mother is way harder, but as dad in this modern era, it’s at times difficult to find guidance when you might not have the mentorship and guidance you wish you had. So believe me when I say that hardcore music and its emphasis on values and morals has helped become a better father for my son.
“I was so naive and fearful of the substantive / of the greying days, of carrying endless weight / and what it really meant to truly mean something / to really be someone who could be loved,” Jacob Bannon of Converge sings in "A Single Tear," the opening track of their ninth studio album, The Dusk In Us.
This and many other lyrics have resonated with me more and more as I continue my journey as a father of an 8-year-old boy. The feeling you get when you’re in the presence of unconditional love is a tectonic shift in your own emotional growth and a significant rearranging of personal priorities.
You see, my relationship with my father was distant at best. Not physically but emotionally. I don’t think he knew how to provide confident coaching to an awkward kid growing up in the suburbs. He knew how to provide financially but that can only go so far. When you realize that “showing up” is one of the more important things you can do for your child, you realize how much you missed out on a tangible father-son relationship.
So when I had my son, I had a slight panic attack on how I was going to guide him through life. How would I show him the importance of compassion and empathy but also to stand up for yourself? How would I teach him loyalty to his friends and family? How would I display what it means to be independent as an individual but also never be afraid to ask for help? I had to learn the hard way through those values and naturally I was afraid he’ll suffer the same fate.
Enter Scott Vogel (Terror) and his lyrics to "Always the Hard Way"; “You taught me truth, you gave me strength, I learned everything the hard way.”
This continues to be essential in reminding me that my past does not define me but only provides me the power to move forward. By just acknowledging what I was denied, I am granted the perceptive to teach my child the importance of values and sympathy as he grows up.
But it wasn’t just the lyrics that resonated with me on becoming a father. It was the people I have interacted with through my years in various hardcore scenes. I asked On the Outside vocalist Kyle Tranten about his journey of being a father and his correlation with growing up as a hardcore kid.
“The relationships I built through hardcore are some of the strongest of my life, to this day. And I've met some of the most talented people I've ever known. Musicians, sound engineers, artists, photographers, you name it. And you get to do your thing and put it out into this community and let others put their touch on it, and it grows into this organic masterpiece. You've gotta be vulnerable and real to really let the good shit in, and I hope I can pass that on to him.”
When you witness what an organic community looks like with an emphasis on creating art and expressing yourself, no matter what emotion it may be, it’s an important life lesson to never be afraid to be your true self.
“Hardcore gave me a positive outlet for some really negative emotions and experiences. It was my safe space. I felt completely at home, free to be my true self,” explained Kyle. “That's probably the first correlation I see, when we started doing bands and promoting DIY shows at VFW halls, I tried extra hard to make sure everyone felt completely welcome, whether they were a hardcore kid, punk, normie who wanted to see what all the buzz was about.
"As a dad, I try to provide that atmosphere for my son, a world where he is completely free to be his true self, trying crazy new shit and expressing himself without fear, just unconditional support from his father, and that he's capable of doing anything he wants to do.”
This mirrors my own experience not only as a kid growing up in New York but also as a 41-year-old man photographing shows in Maine. I immediately felt at home to express myself without fear of judgement. When I recognized that, my first thought was, “How do I make sure my son feels this way and how do I make sure he understands the importance of helping others feel the same?”
On top of the self-expression is the emphasis on looking out for those less privileged than you and acting on making sure they are supported. Or noticing when religion or politics can be used to take advantage of people’s fears to commit heinous acts.
While hardcore isn’t my primary guiding light in parenthood; I have to credit my lovely wife, my extended family and the dad from My Neighbor Totoro at being a positive influence on my journey of becoming a father. But hardcore helped me find strength as a kid and now it remains as a lighthouse through the fog of modern parenthood.
As Madball sings in "Pride (Times Are Changing)":
“I know my family is there for me / And without them where the hell would I be / But still I gotta try to be my own man / Make good of what I got, do the best that I can.”
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